


erosion

by Buttercup_ghost



Series: living in ruins of a palace within my dreams [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Abuse, Character Study, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Kamoshida being a bitch, No proof reading we die, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Suicide Attempt, would you like some angst in this trying time?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 02:15:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18907447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttercup_ghost/pseuds/Buttercup_ghost
Summary: Shiho Suzui was like a rock.It was too bad life was an ocean.





	erosion

Shiho has always thought Ann was pretty.

Her lips were a perfect pink, her eyes a emerald crossed sky, a hyue between blue and green. She always seemed to be put together—a model before they even met.

In a way, it was almost unfair.

Not only was Ann beautiful, but she was kind, bubbly and playful, softened by the evening light. There was not a single flaw shiho could find, even when she misunderstood things, oblivious in a way that was endearing and cute instead of annoying. Even her air headed tendencies were apart of her appeal, adorable where they should have been grating. 

It made her angry at first, once they got to know each other, once shiho had memorized the twinkles in her eyes and each of her smiles, how others seemed to miss so much of her. But Ann had simply laughed, something soft and sad in her eyes. 

“I have you, shiho. That’s all I need.”

It hurt more than she expected to hear that. It hurt to see how tender her eyes looked, how genuine her smile was.

How could no one see, how caring this girl was?

There was a quiet strong there, within Ann’s heart. Something that kept her from becoming bitter, something that kept her from losing her smile, her optimism. Shiho thought that she was like the sun—bright, and never ending.

When she told her this, Ann had simply laughed, leaning her head against her shoulders. “If I’m your sun, you’re my earth. My rock.”

Shiho had smiled with her, even as something traitorous whispered in her.

_The sun was destined to destroy its earth in its explosion, the brightest it’s ever been._

  

* * *

  

Kamoshida didn’t start hitting them at first. Instead, he lured them into a false sense of security, smiles wide and eyes bright. He edged into it. Stricter practices, rougher matches. Nothing too bad, things that could easily be explained away. But it only grew, something insatiable in his heart.

He’d twist it until you started to believe he was right. Say that this was how the world was, ask if you wanted to win or not, if you weren’t willing to do what it took. Did you not love volleyball, after all? And with every comment, reluctance grew. It was gradual, practiced, how he pulled you in, until you believed it yourself—that just staying quiet, just taking it, was the best course of action. 

She knew, logically, it was wrong. She knew, knew that she could tell someone, film practice, quit the team. She knew that he was an awful man.

But she didn’t do anything. She simply eroded with the waves, the slow wearing down of her very self. She didn’t even notice it was happening, until one day, she looked down, and realized she was half the size she used to be.

Until she realized she never smiled anymore.

Ann was still beautiful. Volleyball was still her passion. Her heart was still pumping.

But it didn’t feel like it mattered at all, anymore.

She was teetering on the edge, one push away from falling. The line was so thin, so worn, just like her and her abused body. Apart of her wishes Ann wasn’t beautiful. Apart of her wishes volleyball wasn’t her passion.

Apart of her wishes her heart wasn’t pumping.

Ann would be sad. Ann would be disappointed. She knew, she knew that.

So she pushed these thoughts away and continued onwards.

 

* * *

 

 Ann was alone when she talked to her. She didn’t really think much of it, until she saw it up close. It was haunting, the loneliness etched upon her face, even when she smiled. Shiho wanted to ease it.

So she approached her. She was never the most popular kid, so she knew a bit about how it felt to be alone. It wasn’t a nice feeling. 

Still, at least shiho had her friends. Ann had no one, for such a long time. 

She could use a little laugher.

“Your painting looks like shit.” She said it bluntly, to her, startling a out a snort.

Mission soon accomplished, shiho smiled.

  

* * *

  

“You shouldn’t talk to her,” one of her friends whispered, “it would better not to get involved.”

Shiho and Ann go get crepes the next day.

None of her friends talk to her after that. But Ann’s smile makes up for it.

 

* * *

 

Ann’s been asking if she’s okay, a lot, now. She always smiles at her, trying to offer reassurances. But which each new bruise, her smile drops more, until it’s non existant. 

She hates the web she found herself trapped in. The only one who’s on her side is Ann, but the words are clogged up and trapped in her heart. She still remembers the loneliness etched upon her skin, like marble. Still remembers the crease in her brows. Shiho doesn’t ever want to put that crease there.

But she knows she has no one else. The part of herself she hates let’s bitterness fester. Didn’t she used to have more friends, before? Didn’t she used to have more than just one person who cared?

She wants to stop thinking like this. She wants to stop _thinking_.

 

* * *

 

Fifteen, smiling at each other as they do their makeup. Ann laughs, a sweet sound upon her lips. The gloss in shihos hand has never felt more like a loaded gun. “Come on,” Ann giggles, and this is _everything_ , “are you just gonna stare at me all day?” It’s teasing and light, airy.

Shiho finds herself gulping, her hand trembling yet a smile tugging on her face. The applicator mets Ann’s lips and she can’t help but stare, as she gently glosses over her pink with red. It’s beautiful— _she’s_ beautiful, and all shiho can think is, _I contributed to this._

Their lips touch suddenly, as if both had pounced at the same time, capturing the others smiles greedily. All is right in the world.

 

* * *

  

The remarks start as everything did; overtime. At first, it was small things. Remarks on how boys would be lucky to have her, too-friendly pats on the back, comments on how mature she seemed. It set her on edge, made her hair stand up and skin prickle with unease. But she pushed through, clutching faded out stubbornness and worn down ambition. Slowly, shiho was turning to sand, pliable where she had once stood firm.

She couldn’t even tell Ann to stop, when she realized. She couldn’t even muster the strength to hate. She was just tired.

She loved Ann, she really did, but everything just seemed like too much energy, or simply _too much_. She knew she was worried, knew she was trying to do whatever she could to help—knew that she was sacrificing her sanity, in a vain attempt to save some of shihos own. She wished she could tell her not to bother. She wished she could tell her it was too late.

She didn’t. She was selfish, pretending not to see, pretending that everything was okay, normal. The nasty spiteful part of her, vindictive and misguided, spit out in her head.

_Now you know how it feels, Ann, to start to **erode**._

Except Ann didn’t. Instead, she stood firm, strong in ways shiho never was, and something bitter bubbled up in her chest.

Ann was always better than her.

 

* * *

 

The transfer student seemed lonely. It reminded her of Ann, bathed in the golden light of the afternoon, laughing in that strained voice of hers that told shiho she was in pain. _If you keep associating with me, people will judge you too, you know._

It made her own heart pang with nostalgia, guilt perminated by private thoughts she would never share. She smiled weakly at him, asking how he was doing, trying to portray the sympathy and kindness that burned so naturally in Ann’s lungs. 

The boy said it was fine, smiling in a way that was supposed to be placating. It made her grind her teeth behind her own lips. It reminded her of Ann. It reminded her of herself.

Shiho hated it. She rushed off right after, trying not to feel like she was running away.

 

* * *

  

Most people didn’t like her on the volleyball team. It was to be expected, with how kamoshida breeded the need to be good, better, _the best_. Mishima was different; he was seen as the no-end guy of the team, someone who would never get better, forever just a punching bag, no matter how much he tried and struggled. Forever _falling_ , endlessly. A zero.

Shiho never really thought that. He was nice to her, gentle were everyone else was harsh. Soft spoken. Perhaps it was because they shared the same bruises. Perhaps because no matter how he continued to play, he too thought he was nothing more than a zero.

There was something more, though. There was something more, she knew—something between the flinches, something between how he never met anyone’s eyes. There was a familiar guilt. A mirror image of her own.

Kamoshida would never keep someone on the team who was useless to him. Kamoshida could beat up whoever he wanted with no consequences, having no reason to keep one specific person around for just that, even if Mishima did get more abuse than others.

Kamoshida always seemed to know things he shouldn’t. Mishima was unassuming.

She never told him about herself, never told her information that could be used against her. The only thing she shared with him was her exhaustion. Mishima seemed to follow her lead, the dark, twisted things in their hearts never showing their face.

It was okay like that. If shiho just kept telling herself that it was okay like that, that things were okay like this, maybe she’d start to believe it. Maybe she’d stop  staring at her ceiling until three am, mind blank and heart heavier. Somehow, she doubted it. 

 

* * *

 

It’s facinating, really, how earths own water dissolves it’s land. Rocks, turned to dirt, bones turned to dust, sand washed away with the tide. One day, maybe all of the land will be covered up by sea. Maybe one day, the earths very own ocean will erode away all else.

_If I’m your sun, you’re my earth._

Shiho Suzui was destroying herself.

 

* * *

  

The last piece of her eroded between thrusts and grinds in an office no one could save her. It erodes like rough callouses, pushing into her without any consent, erodes like the peels that escape his mouth, erodes like Ann’s name on her lips when he forces her to release the last bit of her innocence.

It erodes like she’s sure her body will once she dies, erodes like the concrete below her feet will, one day. Erodes with her every step to the roof, a hollow, empty feeling in her chest. Whenever she thinks about Ann’s sparkle, all she can see is his leer, now. All she can see is the white color of taint upon skin. 

The pavement will scrap her skin when she lands, she’s sure. The grinding of her bones will surely be a dull ache, compared to her broken down mind. Her heart was man made quicksand, her feelings sinking into it, held down by its grains.

It didn’t matter. The waves of life will take away her dust when she’s gone, she’s sure.

 

* * *

 

Shiho heart is empty.

“Shiho,” Ann breathes. “Shiho, you’re _awake_.”

Shihos smile is empty.

“God, I can’t believe—” Ann blubbers, tears spilling over, as she grasped on tight to her. “I’m so glad your okay, shiho,” she cries. 

Shihos eyes are empty. 

“It’s okay,” her voice says, “it’s okay, Ann, I’m here. I heard about kamoshida. Everything’s okay now.”

Shihos words are empty.

“Are you... are you okay?” Ann looks at her with soft, emotion filled eyes.

She gives a broken smile, so terrifyingly _empty_. “Everything is fine.”

But the truth was everything was just sand made from a unforgivable man, the corpse of herself.

 

* * *

  

Shiho Suzui was like a rock.

It was too bad life was an ocean.

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who finally started persona 5??


End file.
